Hi. I’m ‘Fikayo.
To whom I may concern, or to whomever is reading this. I’m writing this to let you know that I when it was all said and done, when the storms came and my feet couldn’t hold me down, when the truth was thrown in my face and I ran, I survived, I lived.
Each time I’ve written on my birthday, I’ve always written about things I wanted to do or things I’d like to change in my life and my relationships. This year however, I don’t think I’d be putting any sort of pressure on myself to meet some laid out standard because I’ve come to realise that sometimes you just have to live and enjoy it. So, for 25 (the article), I’d just be stating a lot of things I’ve learnt in the past year (which is an awful lot), things that have changed my thought processes and how I react to situations about me, and how I’m using these lessons to restore my broken self into the man I really want to become.
It’s quite interesting how people talk about how the truth would set you free and rarely talk about the pain the truth brings along with it. I played hide and seek for a while, and it cost me a lot. So, when it was time to face the truth head on, I was scared shitless because all I could see was the fallout that would naturally come afterwards. I only came to realise that for a couple of years, I’d lived my life in fear, and for some reason I fed that fear consistently, so when it asked for lies, I gave it willingly. When the fear asked me to find answers that didn’t really answer the questions, I happily beat around the bush. Fear lived rent free in my own head and I couldn’t send him packing. You might find it funny when I say that that fear was all that kept me from losing my own mind. The only thing that made me keep up with my lies was the fear (Fear made himself a impenetrable room in my head in such a way that I literally couldn’t do without him). At some point, I asked myself if it wasn’t even better to be dead than to live with the constant fear of disappointing the people who really cared about me. So, I finally had to face my truth, and I was free, only those fallouts I talked about came.
When you lie to people who’ve trusted you with their lives, it more often than not means you lose their trust for a long period of time or forever. I’ve lost friends and it’s painful. Some were young friendships and some older. I’ve come to a point where I recognise that I have lost a lot of things due to my indiscretions, but at the same time I can’t brood on these things for so long. If you’ve heard my truth and decided to take a step back, I respect that. If you feel that I never opened up fully to you, I agree with and I apologise, but what I’m not going to do is feel awful about you leaving, that in and of itself is your decision and yours to make alone. I’ve had enough of terrible feelings in the past 6 months to waste my emotions on people who wouldn’t matter in the next couple of years, on people who aren’t ready to help you move forward. What I can do however, is to lean on those who are here, those who have stuck with me through thick and thin, those who have decided to stay with me despite my shortcomings and make sure that the faith they have in me is no waste. What I’m saying is, moving forward is not an option for me, it’s a necessity and if you don’t want to go on this journey with me, fine, we had a good run, but for those people who are here, I promise this would be one hell of a ride, I promise.
Here’s to a new chapter in my life, where I truly explore with no bars, where I grow. I’ve been at the same spot for way too long. To my family, friends, you people are the reason I’m still here, the reason I have a reason to live and I can’t thank you all enough for being there for me. Maybe I’d make more friends this year, we’d see. And to my readers, those of you who support my creative process, you guys are the real stars, God bless you. I promise to work harder on my art. Here’s to a long creative journey with you all.
I love you people so much.
Here’s to 25.????
P.S- Pardon me if this was as vague as I think it is.
Oyekunle ‘Fikayo Oyediran.