Hey guys,
If you read the very first episode of this series “The beginning”, you would have read the part where I said I was born still in the amniotic sac (I feel like I’ve told this story way too much, it somehow always finds its way into my poetry sometimes when I never planned it).
Yeah, you guessed it, I’m still going to talk about it here.
When mother told me this story, she said “you were such a strong baby, such a confident baby to break the sac” (even though I still feel I was just a big baby)
I grew up in a family that made it quite easy to express myself, to talk about the way I feel about things and situations around me as long as it was with my family. Also, it was a family that believed in a sort of routine way of living (it mostly still is), which basically comprised of home, church and school. One would think that the freedom of expression at home should lead to the exact same confidence outside of it. Well, unfortunately.
The concept of church, home, school meant my only interaction with the outside world that wasn’t guarded by my parents or teachers or pastors were the interactions I had with my friends (and as you know, I do not keep many). This meant I was confident in my own space, in the places and people I felt comfortable around. It never occurred to me that the confidence I felt around these spaces and people (note; the one reason I don’t have a nervous breakdown when I’m on stage is because I was always on the church stage doing one thing or the other as a kid) was totally superficial and it was a basket and wouldn’t hold any water when faced with reality.
It so happens that when I got out of that comfort zone into the real world, where home wasn’t readily available, I was thrown in the deep blue sea and they screamed “swim, young boy, swim. You’ve done it in the pond, you can do it here”… I couldn’t, I slipped into the craziest months of my life, endless moods swings, I did not know how to start a conversation, I shook (I still do sometimes) when I have to talk to a crowd larger than 1.
My so called “confidence” was apparently a charade, a facade, very unreal because when it was tested, it failed woefully.
It has been a constant work for me, because I know that I could slip up and get back to those terrible terrible times.
Maybe someday I’d be able to say my Confidence is not superficial, but for now I’d say “I’m a shy dude who is confident in being shy”

Till I write you again.
Oyekunle ‘Fikayo Oyediran

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