The Bastard Who Stole My Wife

1.
The Bastard who stole my wife
Started in broad day light
On the 1st of February
Just right outside the mall
With my wife right by my side
He walked up to us with a swagger and a queer smile on his face
He said,”Oh my God, guuuuuyyyy!!”
“You’re so lucky to have such a beautiful wife”
I smiled from ear to ear
Thinking he was paying me a compliment for bagging a beautiful one
Ignoring the fact that he just called my wife beautiful without incurring my wrath.
2.
I had not told her she was beautiful in 2 years!
3.
On our 3rd date
When she asked me to look into her eyes
To tell her what I saw
All I saw was enchanting brown eyes
That made me weak in the knees
And weak in the brain
I replied blindly; “My future”
There! The iron was red hot, and she hit the Anvil hard…
“Let’s get married… Tomorrow” she said.
All I saw was enchanting brown eyes
That made me weak in the knees
And weak in the brain.
I said blindly; “Yes, yes, sure let’s do it”

4.
We got married on the 4th of April
In the presence of God,
The preacher
And the church rats, who were feasting on leftover communion bread

5.
It took me all but 5 minutes to realize that I was in soup
One mother never taught me to drink or swallow or lick(whatever it is they do to soup)
6.
Is the number of years since I last had sex

She says she doesn’t enjoy it

6
Is the least number of hours
She nags in 24
6
Is the number of meals
Cooked under our roof

6
Whenever I tried speaking up
To lay my complaints on the table
All she did was stare dead at me
And all I would see were enchanting brown eyes
That made me weak in the knees
And weak in the brain
Forgetting everything I planned to say
Then I say blindly, “Never mind, it’s nothing”

7
She was a chronic choleric
Perfection was her watchword
On the eve of our 7th anniversary
I came home to the smell of scented candles and roses on the floor
I was going to get some finally, I thought
Well, I only got a viewing
There she lay on top of the repair man
Making sounds I’ve never heard
She just had to make the scene of her cheating perfect.
And when they finally noticed me standing there
She looked at me straight in the eye like she always does and says “Hey babe, you’re back? You see I’m busy can you please close the door and maybe go drink beer with the boys”
I should have said something
But all I saw were enchanting brown eyes
That made me weak in the knees
And weak in the brain
I said blindly, “Okay babes, see you later then”

8
Maybe it was my fault
I never treated her well enough
Maybe
Maybe I should be happy now she’s gone

9
I want to wish the Bastard Who Stole My wife ill-luck
Like chicken pox

9
Yes, chicken pox
Because he stole my wife
Even though all he did was steal my curse,
My burden

10
I also want to wish him good luck
Only that with her
Lady luck always takes a long break

10
Dear Bastard Who Stole My Wife
The bird you bought with the thought that it would fly
Is only a hen
And it can’t fly to save its own life
Avoid the eyes man
Close your eyes and send the hen packing

10
Ten weeks after she left
I hear a knock
There she was, enchanting brown eyes and all
“Hey babe, I’m sorry… Please take me back” she said.
My head rang with so many instructions at the same time
You’re free now, you can’t do this.
Avoid the eyes(even if they are the most beautiful ones you’ve ever seen)
It’s only a hen and wouldn’t fly… Take your own advice.

All I saw were enchanting brown eyes
That made me weak in the knees
And weak in the brain

“What took you so long?”
©’Fikayo

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